The Firsts Have Passed.....

Where did a whole year go and how did it go so fast I guess like every other babies first year but for different reasons. Mayas first birthday was sept 8th. It was a very busy day doctors appt, sonogram, and a soccer game. Could anymore be laid on our plate that day? But I guess it was for the best, not that I really wanted to be distracted sometimes it's just better to face the beast. We did have our own little celebration though we did a balloon release for her and my mom bought  a huge balloon w butterflies all over it for me, bc Maya is represented in our house now as the butterfly. And pink and white ones for everyone else. Hunter and ave drew pictures on theirs and attached notes to be taken to heaven for Maya to have. We were all so shocked none of us had ever seen balloons go so far up in the sky before they went and went until we couldnt see them anymore. Maybe they made it to Maya. Mom and Ava picked out a single rose for me. The most perfect beautiful rose, just like my girl. We all had our moments that day, there were a lot of tears at sporadic times of the day. They just hit like a wave when they want to and there is no control. But we got through it as I thought we would.
 I have had comments like you haven't written in a while, or when are you gonna blog again. I know it's been a long time. I have placed myself in a bubble where the main thing to do is have a as stress free positive pregnancy as possible. Writing here doesn't make that happen the tears just fall. I know I need to and need to not hold things in and I really don't feel like I'm fighting anything back or holding it at bay I'm just not going there right now. I talk to Maya nightly when I talk to God I just don't go "there". The other day though I guess it caught up w me and I was weepy for a couple days and I just needed to let it happen and did it ever, you know the totally ugly cry the one you hope no one sees you doing...EVER! I did feel so much better the next day so much more at peace.

 So all the firsts have passed, yet it doesn't feel much easier this time around other than we are in a much better place this year. But I guess it will never stop just get easier. Now we wonder how she would look, be toddling around, first words, I think how I would dress her for Christmas when i see sweet little dresses at the store. It's hard to be around babies her age bc I find myself wondering off in my own little world she would be that size she would be doing that ect. This would have been a fun Christmas with our sweet girl. There will always be more firsts to come and they will always cross our minds I guess for the rest of our lives, it's just the burden of the situation that we now call ours.