Faith and Mimi

I have been asked several times over the past year, has your faith wavered?
No....it hasn't.
 I have asked God why, I have screamed and cried it's not fair, but I never for a second doubted that God for whatever reasons I may never understand has a plan. I am still unsure of all the lessons that I am to take from this experience. I know I have learned small ones in the grand scheme of things but I know there are more and bigger ones that haven't come to light yet.
 I learned right after I had Maya that my Mimi, grandma on dad's side, had a baby that was still born. Baby Mary. She was never talked about, I never heard her name until I lost Maya. My Mimi had 7 children not six. Mary was number six, she too I guess felt incomplete and didn't want to close the chapter in her life of child bearing and family planning with baby Mary. She and my grandfather needed to come full circle also, i can only assume. I lay in bed some nights and talk to Mimi, tell her I wish she was here, she could have shed some light for me. I would love to know how she felt, does the pain ever stop, Why did they decide to have another. Was she terrified the whole pregnancy, how did she hold on to her faith? So many questions I wish I could just have 2 hours with her. When I was pregnant with Maya I actually had my first dream with her in it since she passed away. In it I told her I was pregnant and that it was a girl, she said I know and hugged me. It was so good to see her hear her raspy voice, feel her, smell her. I felt at such peace knowing that she knew about Maya's impending arrival, like she really was watching over me. Now in hind sight, having all the feelings I had about not seeing myself raise Maya and not seeing her as a daily part of my life which I thought must have been because she was a surprise. I now really believe that was God sending Mimi to me to let me know Maya would be taken care of. It was never in Gods plan for Maya to be an earthly child of mine. I know for some when I talk like that it's hard for them to understand. But its a feeling I had throughout my pregnancy and even though I never could have imagined that she wouldn't be born alive, it all makes sense to me finally in hind sight. I had so many feelings that I couldn't explain why I felt them it now makes sense to me. Deep in my soul I knew, and God was preparing me. It doesn't mean I'm not angry, grief stricken, and lost some days, but it does give me moments of clarity. So I know Mimi is holding Maya, She waited a long time to hold Mary again, if she even did when she was born, and she will hold Maya for me until it's my turn to hold her again.