Amber's Gift

I don't even know where to start about Amber. Many of you know about her, she is an angel that gave Maya's life proof of existence, she gave us proof that she was here and is part of our life. Maya is and will always be our fourth child. Amber is a photographer she has three children and her third was born very early and they didn't know if he would make it so she did what came naturally. She photographed him. I.m happy to say Lane is a happy healthy boy but what Amber took from that was wanting to give back and help people who know they won't bring their baby home , like us, or who don't know if they will ye,t so she does pics in the NICU. She is an Angel I really don't think I would be as healthy about this as I am if it were not for her. She has prayed for and with me, she has helped me get in contact with other women and families who have been thru this. But most of all she captured my beautiful girl in beautiful photos that surround my house. She took pictures of things I couldn't bare to think about at the time, things that she knew I would never want to forget, like her curls, the top her head, the bottoms of her feet and everything in between. I cherish these pictures as much as I cherish my living children. Her pictures hang proudly everywhere the others kids are. One of the most significant things we did bring home from the hospital was also from Amber in the form a baby pink knitted blanket. That blanket is what we hold when we need to hold Maya. It sleeps between us, it travels with us. The kids snuggle with it, it's what we have, and it's so precious to us. We even put it in our Christmas cards this year, it represents Maya. I have decided that I think this is one of the lessons and the callings I am suppose to take from this experience. I have talked to Amber and when I can I am going to go to the hospital with her. I need to be there for these families, I need to give back. There was one family recently, I haven't gone yet, but I cried for her all night. She just would not escape my mind. I just kept remembering that first night in the hospital and it was the longest night of my life. I could only sleep in 15 minute increments. I would have given anything if I had the power to just go sit with that mom and just hold her pain for her in my hands, just for a little while so she could get some much needed sleep. If God would let me, I would do that. But you see Amber, she is an angel, not just anyone could do her job that she has been called to do. She touched, held and cradled my baby in her arms with love and not many people got to do that, and for that she will forever have a place in my heart and my family.

Traffic Jam.......

 That is what grief feels like to me sometimes. Some days I'm just cruising down the highway, and then BAM I throw on the brakes! And everything in me comes to a screeching halt again. The traffic jam is inside of me and the other cars are my family, friends, work just life in general. They are all honking their horns at me so to speak they all need something and I don't mean that in a bad way it's just life. It gets in the way sometimes and sometimes inside I'm crumbling but the world keeps turning and everyone has needs. Believe me I was born to be a mother, a nurturer I need to be needed, but sometimes on those days I'm screaming out my car window "get the hell off my bumper I need some flippin space!!!!" I am also a processor and so is Brian and so are half of our children lol so this house when we all have stuff on our minds and we are trying to figure it all out is like a sorority house full of girls pmsing. So sometimes I throw my emergency brake on and I just sit and go to the corners of my mind that I wish didn't exist but they do and sometimes they have to be visited. And while everyone is flying by me on the highway flipping me off and cussing me out for stopping traffic I just have to retreat and they will have to get over it. And then slowly I take the brake off, slowly step on the gas and move to the slow lane for an hour, maybe a day, maybe two sometimes, and I start moving again and it feels good to become part of the spinning world with everyone else. But I am not a fool I know I will be causing many more traffic jams in my life, but some how, some way I will make it back to the fast lane with everyone else.

A message from Mary

We went out to dinner sat night to celebrate our new baby coming and that's where we told the kids. When we got home Ava was in her room playing and I went in to dress her for bed. She looked at me as serious as ever and said "you know Mary knows what kind of baby you are going to have and she said it's a boy. Oh and Maya waved to me!!!" Her voice raised and she became excited. I saw her mom and she has blond hair like me and blue eyes too." I said does she look like you and she said" yes but really more like you." This of course brought tears to my eyes and I had to remove myself to the bathroom for a bit. You see Ava tells me and has for quite some time that Mary takes care of Maya and God takes care of Jesus. Because in her mind from her children's bibles and Christmas books Jesus is always a baby, and therefore they need to be taken care of. I think it's her way of having peace. You see she worries alot about how can Nonnie leave Tinkerbell at home who will take care of her? How can we leave the cats alone who will take care of them. How can we leave daddy at home who will take care of him, lol. But she does in her little mind everyone needs someone to take care of them at all times, so Mary takes care of Maya. I wish I could see what she sees. Whether it's really with her eyes or with her heart she sees and I long for the day I can.

I Hate The New "Normal"

I hate that phrase more than anything.........I don't want a new normal I just want normal. A new normal represents all things that are wrong to me. I hate when people say this is the new normal, no it's not this is everything that is wrong with my world and I don't want to own it and I don't want to label it. There is nothing "normal" about this it's totally out of the order of life as humans see it. There is nothing normal about holding your dead baby. There is nothing noraml about your baby being in an urn on a shelf. My life is not normal it just is what it is.
 To the outside world my life is pretty normal again I do what I am suppose to to the best of my ability. I do have joy again which I didn't think I ever would. I do laugh  and find happiness in little things. But deep down in the lowest corner of my soul is where you Maya live....in Maya's corner. And that's just how it will have to be until one day you meet me in heaven and tell me everything I ever wanted to know about you. Do you like dresses? Do you like to dance? What shade of blue are your eyes do you have dimples like your brothers and sister? Are you a mommas girl even so far away? Do you see me hold your ashes and rock you? Could you always feel my love and pain for you? Did you see me cry endless tears for you? Does God rock you to sleep? Do you know you are what my dreams are made of? So many questions............so many unanswered questions.
 I am not angry but I have angered moments. I am not broken but a piece is missing. I don't want tragedy to define me I want to walk with gracefulness in your honor so that you can be proud of the mother God gave you. I want you to watch me from heaven and say I want to be like her.

As Close To Heaven............

My sweet girl.....
 I was in an airplane recently and I just happened to look out the window and all I saw were big beautiful fluffy clouds surrounding me. It hit me all at once like my emotions do sometimes now.....This is as close to you in heaven as I'm going to get. Before I knew it the tears were just streaming down my face like a river and no matter how hard I tried I could not stop them. I thought maybe if I looked hard enough I would see you dancing in a pink tutu, the kind your sister likes, on one of those clouds. But the burn of the hurt was too much so I had to look away and focus on something else.........I hope I didn't miss you.

No Regrets

My sweet girl.........
 I would do it all over again to have had that 9 months with you. I wouldn't trade even one second that I got to hold you and touch you. Even though my world stopped turning on sept 8th I would do it all again. Sometimes I wonder if that's normal I'm sure some would say I was crazy. But I got you longer than anyone every bump, thump and hiccup were mine to cherish and always will be. My body grew your perfect fingers and toes. Your perfect curls and little baby rolls. But it was my body in the end that failed you and i'm so sorry. Your perfection wasn't mine to enjoy. There is another purpose for your existence for the short time we had together. There are no answers only questions still, and I have tried to to come to terms to accept that it may be just that for the rest of my life. I wondered in those first few days and weeks how am I suppose to go on bc it didn't feel like I could. I have come to realize I can and I will bc even though my world was brought to a halt it was only my world everyone elses kept spinning. I hope that God has told you all about us how wanted and loved you are. I hope you can see in the house at all the things we try to keep your memory and your presence with us. I wish I could feel you around me know that you are there.