I Hate The New "Normal"

I hate that phrase more than anything.........I don't want a new normal I just want normal. A new normal represents all things that are wrong to me. I hate when people say this is the new normal, no it's not this is everything that is wrong with my world and I don't want to own it and I don't want to label it. There is nothing "normal" about this it's totally out of the order of life as humans see it. There is nothing normal about holding your dead baby. There is nothing noraml about your baby being in an urn on a shelf. My life is not normal it just is what it is.
 To the outside world my life is pretty normal again I do what I am suppose to to the best of my ability. I do have joy again which I didn't think I ever would. I do laugh  and find happiness in little things. But deep down in the lowest corner of my soul is where you Maya live....in Maya's corner. And that's just how it will have to be until one day you meet me in heaven and tell me everything I ever wanted to know about you. Do you like dresses? Do you like to dance? What shade of blue are your eyes do you have dimples like your brothers and sister? Are you a mommas girl even so far away? Do you see me hold your ashes and rock you? Could you always feel my love and pain for you? Did you see me cry endless tears for you? Does God rock you to sleep? Do you know you are what my dreams are made of? So many questions............so many unanswered questions.
 I am not angry but I have angered moments. I am not broken but a piece is missing. I don't want tragedy to define me I want to walk with gracefulness in your honor so that you can be proud of the mother God gave you. I want you to watch me from heaven and say I want to be like her.