My sweet girl.....
I was in an airplane recently and I just happened to look out the window and all I saw were big beautiful fluffy clouds surrounding me. It hit me all at once like my emotions do sometimes now.....This is as close to you in heaven as I'm going to get. Before I knew it the tears were just streaming down my face like a river and no matter how hard I tried I could not stop them. I thought maybe if I looked hard enough I would see you dancing in a pink tutu, the kind your sister likes, on one of those clouds. But the burn of the hurt was too much so I had to look away and focus on something else.........I hope I didn't miss you.
As I was sitting in my chair last night, reading this in a puddle, I realized how much I miss you writing. There is a power to your words that only comes through on paper. I also realized how many regrets I have, I am sorry that I kept my distance for the short 9 months Maya was with us. I am sorry that I wasn't there to hold her, touch her skin and smell her hair. That is a moment in time that I can never get back. I am sorry that the pain of her loss was too great and I am not strong enough to face it everyday. For almost a year I have kept her memory tucked away in a beautiful pink box, deep in my heart. Only a night when I am alone, do I pull out that box and swim in my love for her and the anger I feel because she is not here. I am angry that she will never know how amazing, strong, and funny her mama is and how loving and silly her daddy will always be. I am angry that this life, is one she did not get to experience. All I can do is promise to keep her memory alive, the hope and dreams we all had for her and do my best to make her proud. I always thought that when we became adults, my awww for you would fade to respect but as the years have past, I find that I am inspired by your faith, strength and devotion. I am proud of my beautiful Sister. I love you! Tara
ReplyDelete